The Journey
Spirit
Essential Living Blog
Sunday, July 21, 2019, 8:10 PM. This date is seared in my mind. That was my first step in taking ownership of my life and deciding to put myself first. On that date, I boarded Air France flight DL8672 for my first solo trip to Paris. I was 51 years old. Going to Paris was on my bucket list since I took my first French class in the 8th grade at McMillan Junior High in Omaha, Nebraska. But that was just the beginning…
I’ve been searching for myself for a long time. I thought it began when I got divorced in 2001, but now I’ve come to believe; I’ve been searching for who I am since the beginning. I grew up like most of us; at first, what was a single-parent home with my biological mother. My sister and I then lived with my father and stepmother when I was 10. There, we were thrown into a pre-made family and felt like outsiders. I was 1 of 8 children. We were a collective instead of individuals – “the Kids .”I was not Janice. Also, it was known, especially in black families, that kids were seen and not heard. Further showing the fact that we had no vice. We were never encouraged to think and reason, only to follow directions.
This was the beginning of my getting lost. I didn’t have an identity. I didn’t know what I liked, what I wanted, or how I felt. I only knew how to follow instructions. In my house, you went to college, got a job, got married, had kids, and then retired.
There was no room for a creative like me. There was no room for an empath like me. As a result, I was lost and had no anchor.I also didn’t know how to make decisions for myself. Everything was decided for me, so when I got out on my own, I didn’t know the first thing I liked, from the clothes I wore to the food I ate. Moreover, I had no voice if we expressed an opinion; my father would shoot it down or criticize us until we believed what he believed. Thus stifling my reasoning skills.
It’s an awful existence when you don’t know who you are, how to think for yourself, and what you stand for. So I decided that I am going to stand in my truth and be totally vulnerable and share with you this journey that I’m on.
I have to admit, I’m so lost on this journey. I had a breakdown. I was working 12-hour days, thinking my job would guide and esteem me. Only to find out that as a black woman in corporate America, you are the mutt of the bunch. I was ridiculed for being unprepared and reviewing notes in my computer system while presenting at a claims review. Now, who in their right mind would ridicule someone who uses their organized letters and computer to present 48 claims. At that point, I knew that I would never be accepted there and every job that I got in corporate would treat me this way. Ask me how I know, I’ve been in corporate since the age of 24, and I have always prided myself on being efficient, educated, and hard-working. But that only advances you if you are white. If you are black, that proves you are possibly an exception to your race and are now on a hit list. That list is to watch you so you won’t take anyone else’s job.
That has been my story. Not living my truth. Expecting to work a corporate job/manager to actually see my talents and give me my just due. That hasn’t been my experience. I suspect it’s because I haven’t been living my truth and tapping into my God-given creative talents. I’ve decided to totally depend on Him and explore my creativity. It may never make me rich, but I know I will be happy.
This week, explore your truth. Are you happy where you are? Are you living your dream or someone else’s? You owe it to yourself to find out.
Until we meet here again, stay flawless and fabulous!
Connect with me:
@every_day_beats_by_Janiceb – IG
@MBSSpirit - IG
Flirty Girls Guide to Fabulousness – Private FB Group
Spirit – Facebook page
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